AI Summary #
The host discusses two main topics: why some of the richest people in the world appear unhappy, despite their wealth, and the role of expectations play in our financial success. The host shares a quote from Richard Nixon about how “unhappiest people of the world are those in the watering places, the international watering places… retired, no purpose.” This highlights the importance of having a sense of purpose and goal in life, which is often lacking in wealthy individuals.
The host also delves into the concept of dopamine and how it drives our desire for more. He explains that what we really want is not the things themselves, but the process of acquiring them, which can lead to an endless pursuit of new possessions. This idea is supported by the story of Stephen Hawking, who said “my expectations were reduced to zero when I was 21… everything else since then has been a bonus.”
The host notes that having high expectations can create a sense of dissatisfaction, even with great success. He cites examples from celebrities like Will Smith and his friend who grew up in poverty but is now wealthy, both of whom still find joy and surprise in simple things due to their different life experiences.
To achieve happiness with money, the host suggests focusing on having “low expectations” and accepting life’s results as they come. This requires recognizing how our expectations can drive us to feel miserable when reality doesn’t meet them. He also notes that the expectation side of the equation is often more important than managing our circumstances.
Notable quotes include:
- “My expectations were reduced to zero when I was 21… everything else since then has been a bonus” - Stephen Hawking
- “The hardest thing to understand about money is the thrill of the chase. That something that you can easily afford brings less joy than something you must save for and struggle for.”
- “Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted… How true is that and how scary is that?”
Actionable advice includes:
- Focusing on having low expectations
- Recognizing the importance of the expectation side of life’s results
- Embracing the process of acquiring things, rather than just the thing itself
- Practicing stoicism in accepting life’s results as they come.
AI Transcription #
Welcome back to episode 5.
Thank you again so much for being here.
What I want to talk about today are two little things that have always interest me and have always found so fascinating.
Number one is that some of the richest people you will ever meet come across as incredibly unhappy, abnormally unhappy.
And number two, which is very related, is how big a role are expectations play in our financial success.
A few years ago, I heard this amazing quote from Richard Nixon of all people about money and happiness that I thought was so spot on and so accurate.
I was going to read it out for you.
I’m going to have it come straight from his mouth.
Here’s what he had to say.
To me, the unhappiest people of the world are those in the watering places, the international watering places like the South Coast, France, Newport, Palm Springs, Palm Beach, going to parties every night, playing golf every afternoon, then bridge, drinking too much, talking too much, thinking too little, retired, no purpose.
And so, while I know there are those who totally would disagree with this and say, gee, boy, if I could just be a millionaire, that would be the most wonderful thing.
If I could just not have to work every day, if I could just be out fishing or hunting or playing golf or traveling, that would be the most wonderful life in the world.
They don’t know life.
Because what makes life mean something is purpose, a goal, the battle, the struggle, even if you don’t win it.
That’s astounding, right?
I think he’s absolutely correct here.
And it goes against so much intuition.
But if you are fortunate enough to have met some extremely wealthy people, you know exactly what Nixon is talking about here.
So I think that is true, but hard to accept is that nothing is as desired as the thing that you want but can’t have.
For most people, there is actually a higher archaeo of wants, and it goes something like this.
If you don’t want something and you don’t have it, you don’t even think about it.
If you want something and you have it, you might feel okay.
And if you want something and you can’t have it, you drive yourself mad.
Nixon kind of elaborated on this.
Here’s what Elty had to say here.
You feel it, or Jay, isn’t it?
Just great to have enough money for living a very nice house and to be able to play golf and to have nice parties and to wear good clothes, chores, suits, et cetera, et cetera, or travel if you want to.
And the answer is, if you don’t have those things, then they can mean a great deal to you.
When you do have them, they mean nothing to you.
Now this I think is a little exaggerated here, but the idea of valuing only what you have struggled for is very real.
There’s a British author named William Dawson who wrote this book in 1905 called The Quest for the Simple Life.
And one of the ideas that he brings up in the book that I really admire is that the hardest thing to understand about money is the thrill of the chase.
That something that you can easily afford brings less joy than something you must save for and struggle for.
Dawson writes that quote, the man who can buy anything he covets, values nothing that he buys.
Look, I think he is absolutely right.
And I think this starts to make sense when you really understand and come to terms with what your brain wants.
This is true for everybody.
Your brain does not want nice cars or a big house or fancy jewelry.
Your brain just wants dopamine.
That’s it.
That’s all you want.
That’s all you are after.
Your brain just wants more dopamine.
Dopamine, of course, is the chemical of desire that it’s just always asking you for more.
It says, please get more stuff and more stimulation.
Give me more surprises.
That’s all dopamine wants.
And from dopamine’s point of view, having something does not make you happy.
It is getting something.
It is the process of attaining more stuff that feels good.
Your brain does not want stuff.
It doesn’t even want new stuff.
What you want is to engage in the process and the anticipation of getting new stuff.
The change in how much money you have, not the amount is typically what matters.
And you can see this so often with money.
When you are young, when you are a teenager, you dream about having a car.
Any car does not matter.
Just having any car would feel amazing.
And then maybe you get a $10,000 car and you start to dream of the $20,000 car.
And then you get the $20,000 car and you dream of the $50,000 car.
And then from $50,000 to $100,000 and from $100,000 to several $100,000 cars, there is almost no end to this process.
The millionaires look up to the centa millionaires who look up to the billionaires, who look up to the decabillionaires and who look up to the centa billionaires.
It’s always just what’s next.
What’s the next level?
How can I get to the next level that people are always engaging in with money?
That’s what you do because that’s what your brain wants.
It’s just like Nixon said, once you have something, it means nothing to you.
Some people I think are much less susceptible to this than others.
I like the idea from author, Remi Tsahtey who says, you should try to figure out your own rich life.
Like, discover the little peculiar things that money can buy that buys you sincere joy and happiness in life.
But I think that dopamine train is really common and it’s a powerful trap.
And it helps to answer the question of, what do you want out of money?
Do you want a new car?
Do you want a new house?
Do you want better clothes?
For most people, the answer is no.
You actually don’t want any of those things.
At least not directly.
For material possessions, you want everything that you can’t have.
You want the chase of obtaining something new.
And once you get those things, if you do get those, the goalpost moves.
Dopamine takes over and you immediately start to ask, what is next?
OK, so what if anything can we actually do about this?
I think there’s one thing to keep in mind here.
Let me tell you a really fascinating story that I read many years ago that really stuck with me.
In 2004, The New York Times interviewed Stephen Hawking, the absolute genius, Savant, scientist, who had, of course, a motor neuron disease that left him paralyzed and unable to talk since he’s been 21 years old.
And he was in a great mood during this interview.
He was talking about how happy he was and how amazing his life was and how lucky he was to be getting to do all of the research that he was doing, which is kind of a weird mindset and mentality for a guy whose life has ended up in this tragic condition.
And so The New York Times asked him, they said, quote, are you always this cheerful?
No seriously, how do you keep your spirits up?
And Stephen Hawking’s answer, I think, was so interesting.
He said, quote, my expectations were reduced to zero when I was 21.
Everything else since then has been a bonus.
That’s quite a lesson, isn’t it?
And I think it applies to lots of things, including money, of course.
Look, people get excited and happy and emotional when they are surprised.
Now when something big happens or when they find the right answer, they get happy and they get mad and scared and amused and astounded when they stumble across a gap between their expectations and the reality that they face.
There are so many examples of this that defy intuition.
Will Smith, the actor Will Smith, he wrote the singing his biography that I really like.
He says, becoming famous is an amazing feeling.
Being famous is kind of a mixed bag.
And losing fame is absolutely miserable.
Look, just like with money, it’s almost like the amount of fame does not matter here.
Going from a nobody to a little bit famous creates a huge gap between what you expected your life to be and what it became.
And it’s the same on the way down in the other direction.
But being famous, that just meets the expectations that you have.
It doesn’t create the gap between your expectations and reality.
I have a friend who grew up in Abject Poverty in Africa.
And now today he works in tech in California, he does quite well for himself.
And he says that to this day, he’s still blown away when a hot meal is put in front of him.
Because he grew up in Abject Poverty where food was so scarce and even though he makes a very good six-figure income today, whenever he has a hot meal in front of him three times a day, he’s overcome with like the sense of wonder and amazement.
It’s astounding to him still how abundant food is in America.
And part of me is like a little bit envious when I hear him say that.
He finds immense pleasure from something that I don’t think twice about just because his expectations were so different than mine when we were growing up.
That’s how like incredible expectations are in your life.
Actual circumstances don’t make all that much different in your life.
Which generates all the emotion is just how big the gap is between your expectations and reality.
It’s pretty astounding when you think of it like that.
Everyone, everywhere doing almost any task is just in pursuit of finding a little bit of space between their expectations and their reality.
And that is so easy to overlook, particularly when we are trying to become happier with something like the money that we have and the money that we are in pursuit of.
Peter Kaufman, he’s a friend of mine, he’s a CEO of Glen Air and he’s one of the smartest people you will ever come across.
And he wrote this thing one time that I really liked.
He says, quote, we tend to take every precaution to safeguard our material possessions because we know what they cost.
But at the same time, we neglect things which are much more precious because they don’t come with price tags attached to them.
I love that and I think it’s the exact thing with our expectations.
They are easy to ignore because their value is not on a price tag.
But your happiness completely relies on expectations.
Your boss’s impression of your career relies on expectations.
Consumer confidence relies on expectations.
What moves the stock market relies on expectations.
So why do we pay so little attention to them?
We spend so much effort trying to improve our income and our career skills and our ability to forecast the future.
All those things are good and worthy of our attention.
But on the other side, there is almost a complete ignorance of expectations, especially managing them with as much effort as we put into changing our circumstances.
All this Huxley has this great quote where he says, most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted.
How true is that and how scary is that?
Because imagine a life where almost everything gets better, but you never appreciate it because your expectations rise just as fast as your circumstances.
And you take everything for granted.
It’s terrifying.
It’s almost as bad as a world where nothing gets better.
Charlie Mugger has this great idea.
He was once asked the secret to living a happy life.
And he said quote, the first rule of a happy life is low expectations.
If you have unrealistic expectations, you’re going to be miserable your whole life.
You want to have reasonable expectations and take life’s results good and bad as they happen with a certain amount of stoicism.
I love that.
My friend Brent Beeshore has this related theory about marriage.
He says, marriage only works if both people want to help their spouse while expecting nothing in return.
And if you both do that, you are both pleasantly surprised day after day.
That is easier said than done.
I think it’s often hard to distinguish high expectations from motivation.
And so sometimes low expectations feels like you’re giving up or minimizing your potential.
The only way around that might be just recognizing how the expectations game is played.
Just coming to terms with it.
It’s a mental game.
And it’s often a crazy and agonizing game.
But it is a game that everyone is forced to play, so you should be aware of the rules and the strategies of the game.
It goes something like this.
You think you want progress, both for yourself and for the world.
But most of the time, that’s not actually what you want.
What you want is to feel a gap between what you expected and what actually happened.
And the expectation side of that equation is not only more important, but it’s often more in your control than managing your circumstances.
And maybe the key to happiness with money is not figuring out how to get more.
It’s figuring out how to want less.
That’s all for this week.
Thank you again for listening.
We’ll see you next time.